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Thoughts Online Magazine
Collected Articles on Culture & Politics
Advice to the Lovelorn 
14th-Aug-2005 05:13 pm
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That was it, guys and gals, that was the too many times. The random email came in saying "be better" and I clicked through. It promises that you can learn all the right ways to connect to women, the magic behavior, and voila, success. The stupid part about this is that I already know that women do not want to have sex like porn stars: they want to make love, and be intimate, and explore pleasure and vulnerability.

My advice is much simpler: DATE, don't see people. Have, and introduce, A GIRLFRIEND, not a special friend. FALL IN LOVE AND SAY SO, don't talk about relationships. BE PASSIONATE, not cool. GET MARRIED, don't make commitments. Most of what you have been taught about sex and marriage was for your head or your genitals, and the important part is your HEART. Love poems form an important part of the education of your heart: read them, and practice writing a few. They don't have to be long, or sound classical: they can fit on the back of a postcard. But send her the postcard. Then another. Keep it up until you can talk that way when you're walking on the sidewalk, holding hands.

Michael Ventura, years ago, had an answer that struck me as true, and that was when I changed my mind:

No matter how rushed your schedule is, spend at least five minutes in the morning quietly in bed with your loved one just being gentle together. Perhaps drinking tea. Assuming that you want a loved one but don't have one, my bet is it's not because you're fat, ugly, crazy, old, a failure, a drunk, a ninny or a clod. Lot's of fat ugly crazy older failing drunk ninnying clods have loved ones. Lots who don't want one, and would probably even put up with you. So there's some lie at the heart of your loneliness; being with someone would reveal the lie, and you don't want that.

It was deciding to want that that made me notice the lie: "I could think my way through love, I could be sexually great, and love would happen." That was the lie I had been told, and believed, because it was safe: it didn't really put ME on the line. That was when I decided to go to the library and read love poems. There are a lot there: Amazon even sells collections of them. I'd recommend starting there, practising them, memorizing some, being prepared to sound corny and recite them.
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